Heavy headed.

I have felt so indifferent this last year.. actually 3 years of my life. I knew who I was and I knew who I use to be. But I am having a hard time finding where I want to go and where and how I want to end up. Does this make a bit of sense? It's kind of like I know what type of person I would like to be but I'm not quite sure I know how to get there. And I don't even know the first step. So I freeze. I stay exactly where I've been and I'll be here again next year. Feels like anyways. I want to change my life but I am so stuck in fear that I feel like if I just stay still then I am invisible. Invisible is comfortable. It is not Happy. It's actually quite miserable. But it's safe. Now I know no one is invincible and things happen how do I live life, and not just live to die? It is so frustrating my mind belonging to just me, because I am the only one who can control my heart and brain and obviously I do not have a reign on these things. Life is too scary. It's even more scary being alone with my thoughts. You can't tell people though. You are already a burden to yourself you'd rather not drag someone else to your hell. But because mostly you tell people your deal and they don't know how to help you, because they know they can't help you and you also know that they can't help you but still you interpret it as them not caring enough or even at all. And then everyone are so busy living there lives and you can't hold that against them... that is what you are supposed to do.. live. But you're still angry because you sit paralyzed by your fears. Throw yourself a pity party because somehow that is they only time you let yourself feel anything at all. and then you close the door, and shut down again. Just keep smiling your empty smiles until you re all alone . Fall. and fall and fall again. Of course I would love to make a difference in other peoples lives. But if I could make a difference in my own life and that is all I am allowed. I would okay with that. But at what point do I decide that I am worth it? That I am worth the fear and the pain and the burden to letting other into my head? I don't know. And I don't know when. I wish I knew and I wish it were now.

x

We're gonna make this house a home

So we've moved out!!! It is very bittersweet. The nights are longer and lonelier because if hunbuns job. At the same time I'm really happy to feel this independence that I think I really needed.

I am still however an unemployed cant afford a hobby lazy bones stay at home wife..

Time for baby.

Today, I will smile :0)

I feel pretty okay today. Kind of happy even. Only at certain times though. When Scott is around, I'm happy. Sometimes I'm mean.. but I am happy. I get annoyed easily because of the situation we are in.. but today I felt hopeful. Although my "Dr." pissed me off pretty much. But I don't care. Because I washed clothes and I took a wonderful bath and soaked in my happiness today. I hugged and kissed my husband and I miss him right now. I sit here and watch little house on the prairie and I want a wonderful love and relationship and family like that one day with my Scott. I know that is pretty far fetched because times have changed so much but I just want love and to love. That is all today. My doctor did not change my meds but told me a different way to take them so hopefully that will work if not I am going to speak up for sure next visit and he WILL listen to me!! Anyways Happy day/night everyone. Scott Winterburn, I love you!

Just leave me alone

Please. Why can't you let me do what I need to do to be numb in turn makes everyone else fine. If I want to be in my bed let me be, dammit just back the hell off

I want to feel on cloud 9 aka..

Yeah.. No need to go into detail of how I would like to feel because it is pretty much unmoral like. Shit sucks. Lying here in my bed just want to feel nothing but an emotional state characterized by exultation, rapturous delight. Frenzy.. compare  euphoria. I want to feel like a rainbow which in my mind is a unicorn slide, yeah.. no I just want to sleep again... but I want to feel that high right before falling in that hypnotic kind of sleep. Where you are lulled to sleep by thoughts of nothing really  I have no idea where the night goes from here. Zzzzyalater >__<

x

some people wake up feeling like it's a new day..

I woke up this morning feeling like I go through the same day continuously. There is a feeling of somber that comes over me once I'm fully coherent. All I want to do is go back to sleep.. to the place where I feel nothing. Where I think nothing, hear nothing, speak nothing... I'm just still. I'm asleep. Even though my dreams begin to deeply disturb my peace that I may have for what, an hour or so.. I'm away from everything that can literally hurt me. When I am asleep, I don't think. I am not ashamed. I am alone, but I feel safe. It's a scary feeling to think that you would want to permanently be asleep because you feel like that would be the only time you felt peace. Where you felt free. I want to feel this awake.. alive.  Right now my stomach is in knots and I feel disconnected from everyone and everything. I can't find an outlet. I don't know how else to express myself. I'm done for now.. But this is how I am feeling.

x

So life, we need to talk..

Becca.

Why are you so sad? Who do you need or what do you need to make you whole again? Why is there always a lump in your throat and you just want to cry? Why do you feel the need to wallow in pity when there are people that have it so much worse than you? And.. why don't you have the motivation or the slightest care in the world to do anything about it? Why don't you love yourself Becca, I don't understand it. It really hurts to watch you die inside and struggle for air to keep you going each day. It seems as though shrink more and more each day. I don't even know you anymore. Happiness. Happiness mattered to you once before. Why not now? You don't care about anything. ANYTHING. Yourself. You are lazy and you don't take care of yourself. You don't like leaving your house, your room, your BED. what the hell? You don't eat and when you do you don't eat well. You don't sleep at night and sleep most of your days away. You watch other people live their lives and you cry. You rarely hug or kiss your husband, you don't call or text your friends. You never go see your grandma and you don't talk to your mother. You feel like an outcast between your brothers and you have no contact with your in-laws. Your clothes don't fit, your hair looks like shit and your daddy left you. Your cat won't cuddle with you and you have no idea who you are. You are not brave and yet you tell others to be brave. You have no heart for yourself and only give advice to others that you wish you could listen to. You don't care about yourself yet you care deeply about what others think of you.. how does that work? You let your conditions and diseases control your life. How do you break free? How do I break free?

Becca, I'm scared. I don't know what to do.

x