Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Heavy headed.

I have felt so indifferent this last year.. actually 3 years of my life. I knew who I was and I knew who I use to be. But I am having a hard time finding where I want to go and where and how I want to end up. Does this make a bit of sense? It's kind of like I know what type of person I would like to be but I'm not quite sure I know how to get there. And I don't even know the first step. So I freeze. I stay exactly where I've been and I'll be here again next year. Feels like anyways. I want to change my life but I am so stuck in fear that I feel like if I just stay still then I am invisible. Invisible is comfortable. It is not Happy. It's actually quite miserable. But it's safe. Now I know no one is invincible and things happen how do I live life, and not just live to die? It is so frustrating my mind belonging to just me, because I am the only one who can control my heart and brain and obviously I do not have a reign on these things. Life is too scary. It's even more scary being alone with my thoughts. You can't tell people though. You are already a burden to yourself you'd rather not drag someone else to your hell. But because mostly you tell people your deal and they don't know how to help you, because they know they can't help you and you also know that they can't help you but still you interpret it as them not caring enough or even at all. And then everyone are so busy living there lives and you can't hold that against them... that is what you are supposed to do.. live. But you're still angry because you sit paralyzed by your fears. Throw yourself a pity party because somehow that is they only time you let yourself feel anything at all. and then you close the door, and shut down again. Just keep smiling your empty smiles until you re all alone . Fall. and fall and fall again. Of course I would love to make a difference in other peoples lives. But if I could make a difference in my own life and that is all I am allowed. I would okay with that. But at what point do I decide that I am worth it? That I am worth the fear and the pain and the burden to letting other into my head? I don't know. And I don't know when. I wish I knew and I wish it were now.