some people wake up feeling like it's a new day..

I woke up this morning feeling like I go through the same day continuously. There is a feeling of somber that comes over me once I'm fully coherent. All I want to do is go back to sleep.. to the place where I feel nothing. Where I think nothing, hear nothing, speak nothing... I'm just still. I'm asleep. Even though my dreams begin to deeply disturb my peace that I may have for what, an hour or so.. I'm away from everything that can literally hurt me. When I am asleep, I don't think. I am not ashamed. I am alone, but I feel safe. It's a scary feeling to think that you would want to permanently be asleep because you feel like that would be the only time you felt peace. Where you felt free. I want to feel this awake.. alive.  Right now my stomach is in knots and I feel disconnected from everyone and everything. I can't find an outlet. I don't know how else to express myself. I'm done for now.. But this is how I am feeling.

x

So life, we need to talk..

Becca.

Why are you so sad? Who do you need or what do you need to make you whole again? Why is there always a lump in your throat and you just want to cry? Why do you feel the need to wallow in pity when there are people that have it so much worse than you? And.. why don't you have the motivation or the slightest care in the world to do anything about it? Why don't you love yourself Becca, I don't understand it. It really hurts to watch you die inside and struggle for air to keep you going each day. It seems as though shrink more and more each day. I don't even know you anymore. Happiness. Happiness mattered to you once before. Why not now? You don't care about anything. ANYTHING. Yourself. You are lazy and you don't take care of yourself. You don't like leaving your house, your room, your BED. what the hell? You don't eat and when you do you don't eat well. You don't sleep at night and sleep most of your days away. You watch other people live their lives and you cry. You rarely hug or kiss your husband, you don't call or text your friends. You never go see your grandma and you don't talk to your mother. You feel like an outcast between your brothers and you have no contact with your in-laws. Your clothes don't fit, your hair looks like shit and your daddy left you. Your cat won't cuddle with you and you have no idea who you are. You are not brave and yet you tell others to be brave. You have no heart for yourself and only give advice to others that you wish you could listen to. You don't care about yourself yet you care deeply about what others think of you.. how does that work? You let your conditions and diseases control your life. How do you break free? How do I break free?

Becca, I'm scared. I don't know what to do.

x

Omgosh, am I blogging?!

I don't know what to blog about but.. Oh well. My cousin suggested that I get back into it because I "know" how to do that kind of thing. What exactly she meant by that... I have no clue, lol. But I have a pretty boring life. I guess this is why I don't  write anything anymore. I usually only express myself through pinterest and instagram.. I am addicted to both! I'm actually quite bored right now. My husband is asleep in the chair in front of the boob tube  and my cat child is asleep at the end of the bed.. and I'm hungry but I don't usually eat until I'm so hungry and I can't eat enough, ahhhh. But I am currently enjoying some good reads. Bloom by Kelle Hampton who has an amazing blog herself and if you haven't heard of her then you probably live under a rock like me... lol just kidding. I also picked up a copy of PCOS for Dummies to try to understand and manage my condition. I think I might try to Skype my jennay later... maybe. She has brought to my attention that she wants to start up her own photography business!! Which I would love to do but I in no way have the means to buy the things that it would take to do so.. but if I ever could I would name it Cheeky Eye Productions! Where I would focus on animals, mother nature and intriguing things that just please the eye. I would also probably take loads of photos of my family and friends, because thats always fun and adventurous! But I wish her the best of luck in her endeavors and I just want her to be happy. In the mean time I still have no job. I may attend college soon but right now I'm just trying to focus on getting healthy. Going to the gym and eating right. So once I get to where I feel comfy. I will do all kinds of crazy. And then... I will def. have something to write about!


xo


Becca

I wish I was one of those people who could blog everyday.

I know most of my blogs consist of me not knowing what to say. That stinks. But, I have no job and I am not doing too good in class. We don't have a second car so I'm on everyone elses schedules. And my husband sleeps during the morning/afternoon so I have to tip toe around the house. ugh. I get so stir crazy.. shuffle shuffle pace pace. Someone will give me a job soon, I hope. goodnight blog.


xo

Yay, Strep throat...

So, yes I got strep throat. I was miserable. I'm feeling a lot better and almost completely well.. otherwise I probably wouldn't be here typing now. But let me say I spent 3 days fighting insomnia.. losing of course.. my body felt like a warzone. With the Penicilln fighting the bacteria, I could fell everything pulsating in my body. It felt as though there were an overloaded washing machine shaking the whole house!! I finally got some sleep last night!! I am super stoked about that. I'm feeling better but I still have to finish off this medicine which I felt like was keeping me from sleeping. Anyways I will be back to normal soon and back to class this week. :)

xo

Here & Now.

Well. I haven't blogged in a super long time. I think it's because I feel like I never have anything to say. And I don't want to come here to complain about life every time I log in. But I do have one tonight, MATH. Math will be the death of me I'm telling you now, lol. I am studying it at grade level and it is kicking my b-u-t-t. I will not let you defeat me, I will win and I will pass this class you mean mean math. Ahhhhh, nice to get that out. So my life hasn't changed much, I still haven't found a job and I'm still not pregnant. I want a baby so badly. I am trying to lose weight and I have injured my back (story of my life) so I cannot workout like I want to. Everything will be alright though. I have a roof over my head, I have my health, and I have my friends and family. So, I'd love to say those are the least of my worries but I think on them daily, lol. Oh well. I fake it til I make it. I'm going to be alright. So now, I'm going to relax, pray and go to bed. Until next time, sweet dreams.

xo

Shake, shake, shake the frame of this house..

Hey guys. I didn't really plan this at all. I'm kind of just talking.. And I totally understand that not everyone wants to hear what I say, I know I write this for my viewers but I also feel like this is Becca's blog this is where I can express myself and be myself and I feel like talking to you guys sometimes is the best way to vent about the things going on in my life. And like I don't tell you guys a lot of personal things because.. it is personal, and I don't really think it's a good idea because I do probably have a lot of friends and family that read my blogs and whatnot.. so you know sometimes that can be apart of the problem. Ya know I wouldn't really sit here and say "Well you know my friend is doing this, or my family is doing that"  I just wouldn't do that. But even with that I just feel like talking about what's going on with my life situation right now. I just, I'm not gonna lie.. I think that the reason a lot of people  come onto blogger or YT whether you do Beauty related videos or blogs or just talk about everyday life.. I think a lot of people do it because they feel lonely. And not everyone, I'm not saying that everyone is like this but I feel like the reason a lot of people start videos or blogs is because maybe their lonely and I think that's the reason why I started my blog and stuff. I mean I think I got really bored over the last year because I've had no job and no luck in that department. I'm not back in school quite yet. And I have no car, well I share a car with my husband but basically I don't have my OWN car anymore. So I've honestly been bored out of my mind with nothing to do. Besides that I just feel like I'm really lonely lately. I feel like I mean I just get mad, like sometimes I'm just like uhhh I'm so mad. And I just get angry about the littlest things. And I'm a pretty understanding person, I just kind of have to think about it for awhile.. but I feel like I'm getting lonely again, I mean that's why I'm blogging this right now. Because I mean I have nothing to do I'm home pretty much alone again.. A lot of my friends are an hour away and my husband works a ton and I have cabin fever and just want to get out of this house! I have a lot of plans for my life I just don't know how to put them in effect. I mean I want to move out soon, I have to push myself to get into school and find a job somehow. I'm thinking of all these things in my head, I always make all these plans that I get excited about and then I'm just like uhhh it's not a good idea.. I don't know but um, like I'm tryin' to plan out my life and I'm trying to grow up you know.. and I feel like I just don't want to be stuck at home anymore. And I don't, I can't do it anymore.. I don't belong at home anymore. It's weird, like my family situation.. I don't really wanna talk about it here again, that's personal stuff. I want to live, I want to have a life, I want to explore.. the world, I mean I've barely even seen my own state.  I want to travel.. there's a lot of things I want to do. So anyways you guys, you know if you ever feel lonely don't hesitate to write me or try to talk to me somehow. I'm here for you guys if you ever wanna talk.  I know how you feel. I know I have friends and stuff I'm not lonely to the point where I'm going to die or anything but I just get depressed or bummed out. I just like people..  I like to be around people, I always like to have friends around me I just feel safer with someone around like I know I have someone there to talk to. Thank you for everything.. you guys mean a lot to me. But I love you guys. And I hope you all are having an awesome day! See you in my next blog.

xo