Heavy headed.

I have felt so indifferent this last year.. actually 3 years of my life. I knew who I was and I knew who I use to be. But I am having a hard time finding where I want to go and where and how I want to end up. Does this make a bit of sense? It's kind of like I know what type of person I would like to be but I'm not quite sure I know how to get there. And I don't even know the first step. So I freeze. I stay exactly where I've been and I'll be here again next year. Feels like anyways. I want to change my life but I am so stuck in fear that I feel like if I just stay still then I am invisible. Invisible is comfortable. It is not Happy. It's actually quite miserable. But it's safe. Now I know no one is invincible and things happen how do I live life, and not just live to die? It is so frustrating my mind belonging to just me, because I am the only one who can control my heart and brain and obviously I do not have a reign on these things. Life is too scary. It's even more scary being alone with my thoughts. You can't tell people though. You are already a burden to yourself you'd rather not drag someone else to your hell. But because mostly you tell people your deal and they don't know how to help you, because they know they can't help you and you also know that they can't help you but still you interpret it as them not caring enough or even at all. And then everyone are so busy living there lives and you can't hold that against them... that is what you are supposed to do.. live. But you're still angry because you sit paralyzed by your fears. Throw yourself a pity party because somehow that is they only time you let yourself feel anything at all. and then you close the door, and shut down again. Just keep smiling your empty smiles until you re all alone . Fall. and fall and fall again. Of course I would love to make a difference in other peoples lives. But if I could make a difference in my own life and that is all I am allowed. I would okay with that. But at what point do I decide that I am worth it? That I am worth the fear and the pain and the burden to letting other into my head? I don't know. And I don't know when. I wish I knew and I wish it were now.

x

We're gonna make this house a home

So we've moved out!!! It is very bittersweet. The nights are longer and lonelier because if hunbuns job. At the same time I'm really happy to feel this independence that I think I really needed.

I am still however an unemployed cant afford a hobby lazy bones stay at home wife..

Time for baby.

Today, I will smile :0)

I feel pretty okay today. Kind of happy even. Only at certain times though. When Scott is around, I'm happy. Sometimes I'm mean.. but I am happy. I get annoyed easily because of the situation we are in.. but today I felt hopeful. Although my "Dr." pissed me off pretty much. But I don't care. Because I washed clothes and I took a wonderful bath and soaked in my happiness today. I hugged and kissed my husband and I miss him right now. I sit here and watch little house on the prairie and I want a wonderful love and relationship and family like that one day with my Scott. I know that is pretty far fetched because times have changed so much but I just want love and to love. That is all today. My doctor did not change my meds but told me a different way to take them so hopefully that will work if not I am going to speak up for sure next visit and he WILL listen to me!! Anyways Happy day/night everyone. Scott Winterburn, I love you!

Just leave me alone

Please. Why can't you let me do what I need to do to be numb in turn makes everyone else fine. If I want to be in my bed let me be, dammit just back the hell off

I want to feel on cloud 9 aka..

Yeah.. No need to go into detail of how I would like to feel because it is pretty much unmoral like. Shit sucks. Lying here in my bed just want to feel nothing but an emotional state characterized by exultation, rapturous delight. Frenzy.. compare  euphoria. I want to feel like a rainbow which in my mind is a unicorn slide, yeah.. no I just want to sleep again... but I want to feel that high right before falling in that hypnotic kind of sleep. Where you are lulled to sleep by thoughts of nothing really  I have no idea where the night goes from here. Zzzzyalater >__<

x

some people wake up feeling like it's a new day..

I woke up this morning feeling like I go through the same day continuously. There is a feeling of somber that comes over me once I'm fully coherent. All I want to do is go back to sleep.. to the place where I feel nothing. Where I think nothing, hear nothing, speak nothing... I'm just still. I'm asleep. Even though my dreams begin to deeply disturb my peace that I may have for what, an hour or so.. I'm away from everything that can literally hurt me. When I am asleep, I don't think. I am not ashamed. I am alone, but I feel safe. It's a scary feeling to think that you would want to permanently be asleep because you feel like that would be the only time you felt peace. Where you felt free. I want to feel this awake.. alive.  Right now my stomach is in knots and I feel disconnected from everyone and everything. I can't find an outlet. I don't know how else to express myself. I'm done for now.. But this is how I am feeling.

x

So life, we need to talk..

Becca.

Why are you so sad? Who do you need or what do you need to make you whole again? Why is there always a lump in your throat and you just want to cry? Why do you feel the need to wallow in pity when there are people that have it so much worse than you? And.. why don't you have the motivation or the slightest care in the world to do anything about it? Why don't you love yourself Becca, I don't understand it. It really hurts to watch you die inside and struggle for air to keep you going each day. It seems as though shrink more and more each day. I don't even know you anymore. Happiness. Happiness mattered to you once before. Why not now? You don't care about anything. ANYTHING. Yourself. You are lazy and you don't take care of yourself. You don't like leaving your house, your room, your BED. what the hell? You don't eat and when you do you don't eat well. You don't sleep at night and sleep most of your days away. You watch other people live their lives and you cry. You rarely hug or kiss your husband, you don't call or text your friends. You never go see your grandma and you don't talk to your mother. You feel like an outcast between your brothers and you have no contact with your in-laws. Your clothes don't fit, your hair looks like shit and your daddy left you. Your cat won't cuddle with you and you have no idea who you are. You are not brave and yet you tell others to be brave. You have no heart for yourself and only give advice to others that you wish you could listen to. You don't care about yourself yet you care deeply about what others think of you.. how does that work? You let your conditions and diseases control your life. How do you break free? How do I break free?

Becca, I'm scared. I don't know what to do.

x

Omgosh, am I blogging?!

I don't know what to blog about but.. Oh well. My cousin suggested that I get back into it because I "know" how to do that kind of thing. What exactly she meant by that... I have no clue, lol. But I have a pretty boring life. I guess this is why I don't  write anything anymore. I usually only express myself through pinterest and instagram.. I am addicted to both! I'm actually quite bored right now. My husband is asleep in the chair in front of the boob tube  and my cat child is asleep at the end of the bed.. and I'm hungry but I don't usually eat until I'm so hungry and I can't eat enough, ahhhh. But I am currently enjoying some good reads. Bloom by Kelle Hampton who has an amazing blog herself and if you haven't heard of her then you probably live under a rock like me... lol just kidding. I also picked up a copy of PCOS for Dummies to try to understand and manage my condition. I think I might try to Skype my jennay later... maybe. She has brought to my attention that she wants to start up her own photography business!! Which I would love to do but I in no way have the means to buy the things that it would take to do so.. but if I ever could I would name it Cheeky Eye Productions! Where I would focus on animals, mother nature and intriguing things that just please the eye. I would also probably take loads of photos of my family and friends, because thats always fun and adventurous! But I wish her the best of luck in her endeavors and I just want her to be happy. In the mean time I still have no job. I may attend college soon but right now I'm just trying to focus on getting healthy. Going to the gym and eating right. So once I get to where I feel comfy. I will do all kinds of crazy. And then... I will def. have something to write about!


xo


Becca

I wish I was one of those people who could blog everyday.

I know most of my blogs consist of me not knowing what to say. That stinks. But, I have no job and I am not doing too good in class. We don't have a second car so I'm on everyone elses schedules. And my husband sleeps during the morning/afternoon so I have to tip toe around the house. ugh. I get so stir crazy.. shuffle shuffle pace pace. Someone will give me a job soon, I hope. goodnight blog.


xo

Yay, Strep throat...

So, yes I got strep throat. I was miserable. I'm feeling a lot better and almost completely well.. otherwise I probably wouldn't be here typing now. But let me say I spent 3 days fighting insomnia.. losing of course.. my body felt like a warzone. With the Penicilln fighting the bacteria, I could fell everything pulsating in my body. It felt as though there were an overloaded washing machine shaking the whole house!! I finally got some sleep last night!! I am super stoked about that. I'm feeling better but I still have to finish off this medicine which I felt like was keeping me from sleeping. Anyways I will be back to normal soon and back to class this week. :)

xo

Here & Now.

Well. I haven't blogged in a super long time. I think it's because I feel like I never have anything to say. And I don't want to come here to complain about life every time I log in. But I do have one tonight, MATH. Math will be the death of me I'm telling you now, lol. I am studying it at grade level and it is kicking my b-u-t-t. I will not let you defeat me, I will win and I will pass this class you mean mean math. Ahhhhh, nice to get that out. So my life hasn't changed much, I still haven't found a job and I'm still not pregnant. I want a baby so badly. I am trying to lose weight and I have injured my back (story of my life) so I cannot workout like I want to. Everything will be alright though. I have a roof over my head, I have my health, and I have my friends and family. So, I'd love to say those are the least of my worries but I think on them daily, lol. Oh well. I fake it til I make it. I'm going to be alright. So now, I'm going to relax, pray and go to bed. Until next time, sweet dreams.

xo

Shake, shake, shake the frame of this house..

Hey guys. I didn't really plan this at all. I'm kind of just talking.. And I totally understand that not everyone wants to hear what I say, I know I write this for my viewers but I also feel like this is Becca's blog this is where I can express myself and be myself and I feel like talking to you guys sometimes is the best way to vent about the things going on in my life. And like I don't tell you guys a lot of personal things because.. it is personal, and I don't really think it's a good idea because I do probably have a lot of friends and family that read my blogs and whatnot.. so you know sometimes that can be apart of the problem. Ya know I wouldn't really sit here and say "Well you know my friend is doing this, or my family is doing that"  I just wouldn't do that. But even with that I just feel like talking about what's going on with my life situation right now. I just, I'm not gonna lie.. I think that the reason a lot of people  come onto blogger or YT whether you do Beauty related videos or blogs or just talk about everyday life.. I think a lot of people do it because they feel lonely. And not everyone, I'm not saying that everyone is like this but I feel like the reason a lot of people start videos or blogs is because maybe their lonely and I think that's the reason why I started my blog and stuff. I mean I think I got really bored over the last year because I've had no job and no luck in that department. I'm not back in school quite yet. And I have no car, well I share a car with my husband but basically I don't have my OWN car anymore. So I've honestly been bored out of my mind with nothing to do. Besides that I just feel like I'm really lonely lately. I feel like I mean I just get mad, like sometimes I'm just like uhhh I'm so mad. And I just get angry about the littlest things. And I'm a pretty understanding person, I just kind of have to think about it for awhile.. but I feel like I'm getting lonely again, I mean that's why I'm blogging this right now. Because I mean I have nothing to do I'm home pretty much alone again.. A lot of my friends are an hour away and my husband works a ton and I have cabin fever and just want to get out of this house! I have a lot of plans for my life I just don't know how to put them in effect. I mean I want to move out soon, I have to push myself to get into school and find a job somehow. I'm thinking of all these things in my head, I always make all these plans that I get excited about and then I'm just like uhhh it's not a good idea.. I don't know but um, like I'm tryin' to plan out my life and I'm trying to grow up you know.. and I feel like I just don't want to be stuck at home anymore. And I don't, I can't do it anymore.. I don't belong at home anymore. It's weird, like my family situation.. I don't really wanna talk about it here again, that's personal stuff. I want to live, I want to have a life, I want to explore.. the world, I mean I've barely even seen my own state.  I want to travel.. there's a lot of things I want to do. So anyways you guys, you know if you ever feel lonely don't hesitate to write me or try to talk to me somehow. I'm here for you guys if you ever wanna talk.  I know how you feel. I know I have friends and stuff I'm not lonely to the point where I'm going to die or anything but I just get depressed or bummed out. I just like people..  I like to be around people, I always like to have friends around me I just feel safer with someone around like I know I have someone there to talk to. Thank you for everything.. you guys mean a lot to me. But I love you guys. And I hope you all are having an awesome day! See you in my next blog.

xo

PCOS: Soul Cysters

Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I've spent so long being bummed and depressed because I suffer from that, partly because I felt like I was one of the only people my age that do. Well that I am associated with anyways. I also had my thyroid check because of all the weight gain I had. Luckily my test came out normal, but it seems like I was almost hoping that it wouldn't so I would have something else to blame my unhappiness on. Anywhoo. Yes, I have started my journey on getting healthy and getting on with my life. I've been trying to lose weight and get healthy and be happy again. It's a crazy journey, and I know I've put myself out there and might get some ridicule or whatnot.. but I feel like this is a way I can hold myself accountable for my fitness. Now with the PCOS I don't want to get too much on the personal side but basically.. I'm 26. And I want babies. You could imagine how this illness makes that quite difficult for prenancy. And the weight gain doesn't help. I don't know too much about it because I have focused on being angry because my body has let me down. I've spent so much time moping and crying and saying "why me? why now? why ever?" I don't really know what else to type right now but here is some information:

What is PCOS?

Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is the most common female endocrine disorder, affecting approximately 5%-10% of all females. PCOS is a hormonal disorder that involves multiple organ systems within the body, and is believed to be fundamentally caused by insensitivity to the hormone insulin. It can be diagnosed in all phases of life - in girls as young as 8-9 years of age, up through post-menopause. Although PCOS is one of the leading causes of infertility, the reproductive aspects of the disorder are secondary. PCOS is not limited to women of reproductive age or potential.
Common symptoms of PCOS include:

• irregular or no menstrual periods (for women of reproductive age)
• irregular ovulation, with or without monthly bleeding
• acne
• excess hair growth on the face and body
• thinning scalp hair
• accumulation of unruptured follicles on the periphery of the ovaries (mislabeled as "cysts", often called polycystic ovaries)

It is not necessary to have all of these symptoms to have PCOS. In fact it is not necessary to have "polycystic ovaries" to have PCOS. PCOS manifests itself differently in each woman.
In addition to the above, approximately 60% of women with PCOS have weight management issues which can lead to obesity with only normal caloric intake. Energy in the form of glucose (food) is stored right away as fat, instead of being made available for other functions within the body. This can lead to chronic fatigue and undernourishment, despite the fact that there is adequate food intake and even an appearance of overnourishment. However, it's important to note that 40% of women with PCOS are of normal weight, or even fall under a normal weight range.
There is no cure for PCOS, but it can be successfully managed through diet, exercise, and in some cases medical intervention. Management of PCOS is essential, as unmanaged PCOS can progress to diabetes, and can also lead to certain forms of cancer if unaddressed. Proper management of PCOS often eliminates all symptoms. Some women with managed PCOS are among the healthiest within the population because of their lifestyle choices

xo

Un, deux, trois..no one ever does it like that anymore.

Sorry no words lately. My mind is everywhere. I've been going to the gym every other day. I'm still working on getting there daily. I've been wondering a bunch about where my life is going. And i'm never really sure of that answer. Because partly because I have no idea where I want it to go. Crap. I mean I know I want to be successful and happy mostly, but I'm not quite sure how I will get there. Babies on my brain. Yeah I like babies, and I want one. Not yet though. I don't think I'm ready just yet. I'd get a puppy, dogs are cute, but I don't really think I want one of those either. Oh, I know what I want. to get the hell out of here. To have my own house. YES, that is what I want. lol. I'm bored and my brain has nothin interesting on mind. So this is just mindless rant. Just an expressive way to get shit off my chest. so.. I guess I will just go. But I am eating better and not sleeping great. I need a new bed, pronto.

xo

"Get Fit Legit": A series.

Alrighty, here we are. So as you can tell from the title of this post, this particular blog is about my 'get fit legit' series I am starting. So first of all some background info. The series is going to be a my journey of a lifestyle change of health and recovery. Now the reason I say recovery is because there has been a lot of damage, physical and emotional to my body. From being sick and those things have led up to some weight gain. Scott (my husband) and I have been together for 5 years and some odd months (engaged for 2, married for 1). Anyways in these 5 years we haven't ate the best but it was never a problem until we had no work, and I got sick. We were active in the gym until we couldn't afford it anymore. But anyways I'm not going to bore you with the details. Scott now has a job and I'm healing but I and still hendered by this weight gain. Scott has worked out for about 8 months (He has always been skinny) and now he is lean and cut and lookin' buff. =) So now he is working out a plan for me. We started Monday working out together and I must say it is so much easier when you have a support system. So our 'get fit' plan consist of us working out 5-6 days a week, 3 of them being wight training and thee rest lots of cardio. I am eating better too!! I plan to vlog/blog about it to keep myself motivated and to see my results and achievements. I'm really proud of myself for getting to this point. For months I moped around being depressed because of getting sick and gaining weight and not being able to do with my life what I want right now.. But I'm stopping, calming down, breathing and taking control. I feel much better about being able to do this. So here I go you guys. You're welcome to come along for this crazy roller coaster of a ride. Because I know it will be.. I'm ready to grow. And I'm not afraid of the tears, lol.

xo

Holy forgotten information batman..geez

You guys I'm sorry I have been gone for a week or so. It was like an act of congress to get into my blog! Apparently I signed up for this blog with an ancient email because I used my current one for my previous (failed) blog, lol. As soon as I finally figured out I could even recover this info, I was good to go. And so we go forth. I'll swap those emails out asap. Anyways nothing more than a useless rant for tonight because it is late now and I am going to the GYM tomorrow, haha. I will catch you guys up on the whole "Get Fit Legit" Series when I come back. I just wanted to let you know I'm finally back and glad I got it all figured out =)

xo

Happy 24th.. again.. and again..

 Thanks to all the awesome people in my life, I had an aaammmaaaazzzziiinnnnggg birthday weekend!! Seriously you guys it's just what I needed. So Friday night Izzy picked me up and we headed out to go to a friends for pizza and bowling. So There was my dumplin (Izzy) Justin, AZ (who does like me, lol) and is a little fire cracker of fun! Then we went to Dr. Chads and Julies house who had the cutest little pina coladas waiting for us with our very own keepsake straws =) where we met up with Melissa and her adorable owl shirt made me happy! And Sara who happens to be an avid Hanson fan and sporting her top which was designed by Taylor, lol. Her friend Heather who I later found out her nickname for bowling was "H9" because her named wouldn't fit the screen in high school. Later a cute bubbly girl named Alysa and her fiance Derrick (or Derek?) I'm not sure. It was a great time!! I bowled all of 46, lol. But I can't wait to hang out with the wonderful crew again!!!

Saturday Morning I had a flood of phone calls of Birthday wishes!! My Jennay (BFF Brandy) picked me up and did some serious window shopping, lol. We stopped at my grammas for a few hours where we ganged up on her for taking our "Graaaaaaaaaanmmmmaw make us some grit's" (magnet frame with our pictures on it) off the fridge, haha.

At 7 pm we went to my brother Jasons' house and to my surprise Amy was there!!! I love you Amy, you so get me and random questions of life. My brother split once the words "A Perfect Wedding" were spoken. This is a game from 1993 that my sister-in-law was in love with and for some reason we get the biggest kick out of and our latest victim was Brandy but was even sweeter when Amy was there, so it was a 2 for 1 deal!!! Anyways after having some awesome spaghetti, pouring down a few Bday shots and playing a 90's themed game. We had some cake. Which was AMAZING, oh let me say that again AAAAAAAAMMMMMAAAAAZZZZIIIIINNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!! Lol. My brother Jason actually made it and it was the most glorious cake I have ever tasted. My fave flavors!! Chocolate cake and whipped strawberry frosting! And he did such a goood job. Jason you can make my cake fooooeeeevvvver!!!

So a bunch of people made this B-day great! My mom, My husband (Who unfortanely has to work all the time), Grandma Rita =), My Gramma.. Brandy, Juuulie, Amy, Liz & the crew! Thank you soooo much and I love you all!!! It makes turning 26 not so bad afterall.

xo

Ahhh, sleep deprived..

Ever get so very tired that your cheeks just ache? I don't know. But it goes from my cheekbones all the way up into my ears. The thing is though.. I cannot get my mind to rest at night. I have medication for this but, I don't like taking it.. I don't want to pass out! I want real sleep! Not to wake groggy as a froggy in the morning.. no no. UGH. I need to rest if I'm going to be healthy like I planned. This is really irritating me. Ah well.. I will get through this. Goodnight world.

Eating better, sleeping worse!

Well, I am definitely eating better you guys! This is good news! I've completely cut out all sodas and sugary drinks.. all except the hardest one of all...... SWEET TEA!!! Dang why do I fall into the southern stereo typical drinking fashion. LOL.
Anywho as for my sleeping schedule. That is still up in the air! It is so dog on frusturating to go to sleep at night. For numerous reasons.

1) Before I was married I never had to share a bed =(
I am def a bed hog and I like to be smack dab in the middle with tons and bunches of pillows.. to feel like the princess I am.
2) I NEED a new matress and box spring set.
I have had mine for about 5 or 6 years!!! So when me and Scott, my husband try to sleep we both kind of slump into the middle crowding each other, due the years of me sleeping in the middle, haha.
3) My mind freaks me out a lot and my husband hates the tv on at night.
4)I ALWAYS have something on my mind that I feel I need to do.. or rushing morning to come I don't know it's hectic.
5)I can't take sleep aid for the fact of feeling groggy the next day.

TOO MANY REASONS!!
So me not sleeping makes for a grumpyface Becca who doesn't want to go the gym in the morning.. I will figure this out!

xo

I'm still tryin' to figure it out.

I get so frustrated of how everything looks so easy for everyone else. Well I guess to only to people I don't know very well, I guess I don't really know what some people go through.. I know that there are people out here that have things far worse than I do. I just cannot seem to get it right. I woke up today asking myself "Would I rather say I wish I had, or I'm glad I did" I guess I need to stop making excuses and do what I need to do. I know I will be happier in the end. I just have to remind myself that I can change what the future holds if I just get out here and get it done. I hope that I will have positive updates from here on out. So with this said, I must go get started, right now.

xo